How much? I'll take two!

Madrid start the season as they mean to go on. Cadiz played the game of their lives and most definitely had Madrid on the ropes in the second half as they were holding them to a 1-1 draw when, imagine our surprise when Beckham hand-balled in the penalty area in full view of the entire stadium, but curiously not the referee. An incredulous Cadiz were caught on the hop and the ball was whisked down to the other half at such speed that Princess Raul was so offside that the entire stadium saw it, except curiously not the linesman. Madrid 1-2 up and a demoralised Cadiz crumpled under the pressure. Foul, we cry. And, what's more, we feel bound to ask the pertinent question - just how much does a referee cost these days? And do linesmen come any cheaper? Our legal adviser feels bound to point out that we're not actually suggesting that Madrid would stoop so low as to bribe an official - oh, no - we're just wondering, that's all.
The boy wonder Owen makes his weary and more worldly-wise way back to the Premiership, feeling underappreciated by Madrid, despite being one of their leading goal scorers last season - certainly leaving Princess Raul in the shade. Sorry lad, you're not media fodder, you too self-effacing and you're certainly not enough of a drama queen or prima donna. And come to think of it, you're not really a Madridista. Hope you'll be happy at Newcastle, for England's sake at least - but you didn't think that Liverpool would buy back at twice what they sold you for because you were feeling homesick. No trophies, just a chance to sup at the poisoned chalice.